Torn asunder

We talk until I drift to sleep
Smiling at your
Rationalities,
Always creeping into my
Romantic ideology.

Science rings true in this
Mutual philosophy:
Why defy simple biology?

The heart wants what the heart wants

Music is the ultimate language,
And even whales sing
Now, though I wonder if perhaps they dream.

Surely you'd cite the late night cries
Of some beloved canine,
Chasing rabbits in an imaginary land.

Somehow you are home and I am all but lost without you.

Still aching from that loss, I cling to the reality if you. Stay alive, I can't handle any more.

You were family when mine was all too distant, if only in their minds.

Oh, love.

The light creeps in and here I am, wishing for the impossible, and wondering if you see me.

Love only hurts if you let it, yet here I am breaking my own heart again, worth it for a glimpse into your mind, and your thoughts on this world we share.

For this, the loud, dangerous, beautiful world that is -- a world torn asunder.


For now I'll sleep until the sun shines in my face. Here, in the only place I really feel safe.

Where you could reach me.

Night.

I
I
I'll sing you a lullaby
If
You
You
You'll hold my hand
And
We
We
We'll go dancing to
Never
Never
Neverland

In my dreams you're always smiling
In my dreams you're always there

Do you remember, darlin, when I used to wake up scared?

You promised you would be there,
to guard against the dark,
And even when circumstance
would force us far apart

You promised to be always in my heart.

You
You
You're always in my heart.

You held me til the sunshine
was hot against my face
And spoke of the adventures
We would have that day
You sang to me so softly
I almost missed your words
I've loved you for forever
If only you knew

But here I am afraid again
Miles away from you
I wish you were here to hold me
But

I'm out of reach to you.

Escape to Neverland?

Lets
Lets run away
Lets run away and be gypsy musicians
You play the fiddle
I'll dance with the tambourine
And just imagine
How happy we will be

Lets
Lets run away
Lets run away and be gypsy musicians

We won't need to worry
We won't need to care
We'll sing for our dinner
And never cut our hair.

Stumbling.

The moment arises,
as moments sometimes tend to do,
from a place full of beauty,
rich like chocolate truffles,
fragile as a dragonfly's wing...


into a place of general shabbiness,
comfortable enough for our needs,
a perfectly ordinary place,

late, late into the night.


and takes me by surprise, of all things.


"I love you, you know."

and,  almost startled by the revelation I struggle to find words, when I do they spill quietly, jumbled and incoherent --as if stuck together with peanut butter and honey-- from my lips

I tried to say it.

Of course, you already knew, know, my opinion on the subject.  The words were screaming in my mind-- I love you too, I always have, I always will -- and all I could manage was a feeble, mumbled, near to silent whisper,

oh.

As if this was something I had known for ages, accepted as fact and even, somehow, expected.

Of course, my eyes spoke volumes that night, although I'm not certain the message was properly transmitted.  My eyes sang of adoration, trust, and at moments awe in the beauty you could create, the passion you carried.



Nothing every came of it.  Words uttered in late night establishments are rarely, if ever, remembered.



But these, these words.   I had waited so long to hear them.  Part of me was furious that you chose to do so at this place.  Most of me was delighted.  They were not uttered as some drunken afterthought, not a ploy to lure me back to your bed, not a game.  It was simple truth.  You did not elaborate.  I didn't push the subject.  Instead I committed the moment to memory, where I could play it over and over in my head.  You took a drink.  Turned you head.  Looked at me.  Smiled for a few seconds.  I love you, you know.  And without waiting for a reaction of any sort, turned your head away and went back to your drink.

Of course, I sat there for what seemed like eternity, perhaps only one minute, if that.  Stumbling.

Oh.

And that was ok.

Still.  I haven't heard it again.  I don't expect to.  I no longer wonder, but I dream.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not sure what I like more, so I'll keep both.



The moment arises by surprise, of all things.
"I love you, you know."

startled, I struggle and my words, they. . .. 

they spill quietly, 

jumbled and incoherent from my lips

I tried.  

Of course, you already knew.  

And, just a feeble, mumbled, near to silent whisper,

oh.

As if this was long known, accepted, fact--somehow, expected.

My eyes spoke volumes, but the message did not translate.  

They sang of adoration, trust, awe.

The beauty you could create, the passion you carried.

Nothing every came of it.  

But these, these words.   

After such aching.  Furious, yet delighted.  

No sloppy utterance, no ploy, no game.  

Truth without elaboration.  

I sat.  Stumbling.

Oh.

And that was ok.

Still.  I dream.

deep dark side

see here's the thing
the thing
its here

with wings dripping black with tar
and eyes
its eyes
drill straight into my soul

look away!
look AWAY!

yes.

see,

?

HERE is the thing.

i cannot bear to speak about
cannot bear

courage.  courage.  courage.

look into those eyes.

i can do this.

the thing, subdued,
I leave the mirror.
To begin to speak to you.

picture

Insomnia, Again. 

goddamn brain.

This Mind, The One That Refuses To Rest,

Images, Theories, Ideas—All Swirling Through This Overactive Consciousness 

Meanwhile, The Earth

it Spins

And Without The Sun This Mind Becomes A Vacuum

Where All Thought Is Instantly Ubiquitous, Yet Nihilistic.  

Each Point Both Brilliant And Banal. 

lost.

anyone can see it

the fear that rises up 

from somewhere so 

dark. 

you're afraid to look there. 

what is it, love, that makes you tremble in the sunshine?

doubt vanquished by love

I turn to see your smile and my heart skips a beat, 

my smile in return, involuntary.

I struggle to pull air back into these lungs, 

trapped in those eyes that reflect my own soul.   

You take my hand, eyes locked, 
minds interacting on a level that transcends speech--
and smile, softly, at the tear that comes, each time.


doubt vanquished by love

sunrise

The sky is pink,
fading to blue as the slowly rising sun
illuminates winter clouds that hang,
stationary over the city.

Slow jazz floats through the air,
hanging with a smooth viscosity
that reminds me, oddly, of you.

You, drunk, slow,
sitting with your legs swung over the arms of that
awful
arm chair,
your silly smile slowly stretching into a smirk that would make the Cheshire
proud
as I tip the whiskey bottle again
and take a long drink.

And we stayed like that,
sipping whiskey straight from the bottle,
watching the sky change until the dark was gone
and I could sleep.

"Sometimes its as if the heart is torn from the chest"

the heart swells
it bursts
it bleeds


until the blood is gone


and still 


it aches
it needs


until 
all that remains is darkness
abyss, void-- that escapes definition


where once you were, smiling, warm, 
where once you were, real, whole


where once skin 
would flush and lungs would 
gasp and lips would 
tremble at touch, no, thought--


the memory does not fade,
drifting away with time as some, ignorant of love, suggest
the pain does not dull into a slow constant throb, 
no, 
it is a constant stream of electricity that surges 
-with even the most minor of mental whisperings- 
of your presence. 


and yet
each day comes
again, with the sun
and goes, 
again, in the dark


and the sirens sound, 
loud 
racing off to another's pain


and the world- 


oh the world didn't stop just for us, no, 
only my world.


and each day brings the swelling, the bursting and bleeding and the constant electrifying
and each night, too, a new surge, stronger than each preceding, 
because this mind will not permit
will not permit the memory to fade.
no. 


because every moment of love, 
every flush 
and gasp 
and moment 
where trembling hands reached out to find you in the dark


was worth this lifetime of struggle 
to balance survival against the truth of losing you. 

(Laws of Nature)

Somehow in the dark

when sleep fails

thoughts drift through the night

on autopilot.

And there you are. 

Standing in the sunshine

that breaks through the green

smiling, in the forest

at me. 

I

-- who in true form,

mud streaked face and mussed hair

look up at you,

with the deadly intoxicating scent of cyanide,

(Amaretto)

floating up  from cupped  hands

hands in which I offer you

just one of the secrets of the forest

I so love. 

And then you’re gone.

Whipped away by the sounds of the city, sleeping—

sirens pealing through the night

A reminder of the spontaneous nature of chaos.

Chaos, through which all things are formed, destroyed, reformed. 

Order only returned with energy, work- manifested in countless ways.

Sleep comes as the mind, assured that these laws of nature hold true

releases the last image of you--

smiling, in the forest

at me.

memory.

viscous days without purpose
consume the person she once was.


sometimes its as if the heart is torn from the chest.

when looking into those eyes
and seeing myself reflected back so clearly.

my heart skips a beat when I turn to see your smile.

my smile in return, involuntary.

I love so freely.
So openly, I'm sure you see it.
Everyone else does.

You're so hard to read, though.

He takes my hand and holds it in the dark,

and smiles softly at the tear that comes, each time

memory of the love we never got to keep.

viscous days without purpose.

end.

safekeeping.

in the deep black night she wakes, afraid, 

calls your name to know you're safe 

and realizes that behind the dreams 

she knew that you would be there, too. 

in the deep black night, where demons dwell

she grasps your hand and conquers hell

then fills her heart with all her love,

hands it to you with silver gloves 

for safekeeping.  

asylum

these dreams these dreams

that wake me in a cold sweat in darkness

these dreams these dreams

that leave me shaking alone in darkness

these dreams these dreams

that find me screaming out in darkness

are endless.

where does the soul find this torture?

when does the soul find peace?

how does the soul keep going

when its followed by these dreams these dreams?

for love's sake man,

can't you see I'm being eaten alive here? eaten alive.

for love's sake man,

can't you see I'm terrified here? terrified?

for love's sake man,

don't leave me alone now, don't leave me alone.

and that man in the corner, he's not really there

I know, man, I KNOW, but still, he stares and stares

and that girl in the bath, oh I know she's not real,

but she'll still tell me how worthless she feels

stay here awhile, please, so I can get some sleep,

stay here awhile, please, so I can get some peace

and when I wake up I'll see you here and know that

I'm ok, man, I'm ok.

cause you granted me asylum- for a few hours today.

october

october winds whip around her figure,

standing naked, barefoot in the field beside the house.

october raindrops fall on her skin,

shivering, pale against the night.

he walks out to wrap her in a blanket,

standing side by side they look into the lasting dark

wondering what lies just out of sight.

october night envelops two figures,

clinging, desperate in the night.

october morning brings gentle sun,

waking two figures, slowly.

catharsis

She downed that whiskey with a vengeance, hoping to wash away the absolute fury that left her shaking in the dark as you walked away.

hit me.

again.

again.

Somehow this poison might relieve the sting from the all too fresh wound.

She sat alone, now, staring at the next shot, still shaking as her own words echoed in her mind.

Ashamed at the truth the barkeep whispered as he poured the poison again.

"You're too pretty to be so sad."

hit me.

He touched her shoulder as if afraid she'd shatter, and she did.

He pulled her close and she let silent tears fall, her face without expression.

Grateful for a friend she knew, she fell back and let him drive--safe, finally, she let down that stony guard.

And he took her hand and held it in the dark.