::imaginative introspection::

Imagine that all life is an illusion. All that exists is this moment. No past, no future, each memory, every plan, a part of the illusion. Life, in a photograph.

Do you like the image of yourself?

Monday, August 15, 2011

spiteful indeed

It breaks my heart to watch as you struggle with yourself.  

What is it that I’ve done that can possibly make you feel such hatred?   You say I am a spiteful creature.  How can this be?  Is looking to find a place where I feel at home, where I feel loved and safe and accepted a spiteful act?  

Is it spiteful, to wake up one morning feeling happy for the first time in years, all because you know you’ve found a place where you can be yourself and NOT have to apologize for it?  It’s true: I DON’T know who I am yet.  

At twenty one I still feel as misplaced and insecure as I did at thirteen.  And I’m tired.  I have been battling my own demons, you see.  I’ve been fighting with depression for at least five years now.  

Obsessive compulsive is, apparently, the ‘label’ for my habit of anxiously replaying every detail of a social reaction in my head, and wondering if somehow something I said was imperfect, offensive or just plain stupid.  I’m also dealing with hormone and metabolic imbalances due to a disease only caused by faulty genetics.  To this you simply say it’s another case of ‘wandering womb.’  

You  are certainly no doctor, sir.  You offend me, with your refusal to at least acknowledge the pain and worry I’ve had to work through on my own.  Your dismissal of this as just the result of a ‘poor mind’ has hurt me.  

Does a poor mind excel in academics?  Does a poor mind actively work to overcome any mental blockages that have occurred?  I’ve been actively working for a year now to fix my poor self image, to become more conscious of my own mental health and to work towards living a healthy, active and intelligent lifestyle.  

Is that spiteful?   I think not, but who am I to say?  

I’m just another one of those lost women, what with my poor mind.   


  1. I think you have a pretty amazing mind! Although I'm quite afraid of wasps.

  2. Keep posting your own words, your thoughts and wasp stings become part of the butterfly trivia that passes under a jamjar of illusions as you discover more depth in yourself as you show here.

  3. haha thanks Ben!

    Sapphire-- I'm still learning, as you see.